I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
