I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
