I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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