just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
