did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
