I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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