I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
