Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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