I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
