Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
