I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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