if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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