Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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