I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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