i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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