Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
