I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
