I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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