Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
