I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
