i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
