Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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