I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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