Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
