we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
