If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
