not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
