i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
