I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I want to fling myself into the sun
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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