My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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