There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
