I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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