Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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