I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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