Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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