i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
