I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
