Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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