i dedicated my morning wood to you.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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