I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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