So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he thought i was a dude.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
