shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
