just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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