just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
