Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
