dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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