This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
