Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He better not be in your backpack
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
