I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
