My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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