I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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