So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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