if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
