i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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