If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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