I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
