I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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