I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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